The month of November brings with it painful memories, haunting birthdays, and my mother’s death anniversary, reminders that never cease to rest. Year after year, the pain leaks through. Sometimes it is as sharp as the day it was first felt; other times, it is dull, barely noticeable. But this year? It still lingers, of course. However, a sense of gratitude has washed over me. Perhaps it was a moment shared with a stranger on a late-night drive that left me feeling achingly human. And so, I felt compelled to write this self-reflection on the importance of feeling deeply and honestly through suffering and how that strengthens your faith in Jesus.

If you ever knew the past versions of me, firstly…I’m sorry.

Secondly, you’d know how much she held the belief that having feelings was something to be scoffed at. Maybe she was afraid of her own depth, of what she might uncover if she dared to look beneath the surface. Or perhaps she thought there was strength in suppression. That logic was easier than vulnerability, and so she became a “head over heart” person.
But here’s the irony, being a “logical” person is often driven by emotion. The mere act of holding on to reason can come from fear; the fear of facing something we can’t control. So, we suppress the emotion, convince ourselves we’re being rational, when in truth, it’s an emotional whirlpool of things we refuse to process.

Because if we gave into the depth, the messiness and vulnerabilities, we’d be exposed. And that’s a repulsive feeling. But also, a very freeing and humbling one.
The capacity to feel so much and so deeply is a blessing, not a weakness, as I once believed. To have suffered and known pain in my life, has stretched my heart in ways that have grown empathy and compassion within me. These are not easy experiences to sift through; in fact, they’re often painful and greatly discouraging at times. Yet, they’re honest.  

And what a great place to be. In the honesty of it all. Because when we allow ourselves to feel deeply, we also learn to live truthfully. To give up the façade and let the mask slip to the ground. No performance, no conflict of “doing what’s right” when it comes at the cost of integrity. Only peace.

So how do suffering, feeling deeply, and living truthfully connect with my faith in Jesus?
I’ll tell you. In learning my own heart’s capacity to feel deeply, I’ve come to see that it holds a mirror to God’s own heart, a God who weeps, delights, rejoices, and loves infinitely more than I ever could. And because of that, He is a God I can depend on; a God in whose presence I am safe.

What a privilege it is to be open and honest with a God who is steady when I am not.